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MistressEve_L
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Name: Heather
Birthday: 10/8/1977
Gender: Female
Interests: Dita Von Teese, ebay, gemstones and jewelry, photography and painting, design, "friends", being the crash course otherwise known as parenthood,
Expertise: Gemstones and Jewelry, and reading other peoples drama. As well as standing amazed at the amount that finds its way into my own. Hey at least its never dull.
Occupation: Operations
Industry: Retail
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/7/2003
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| So I keep thinking these weekends where I really dont have a show, or a trip out of town, or a major event scheduled, that I actually will have some time off. Nope. I spend every waking moment exhausting myself trying to catch up to the promises I have made. I went to a friend's house to meet with othe evil geniuses like myself and fell right the fuck asleep on his couch after being there maybe 5 minutes. Kindly the group let me sleep until everything was ready. As I was drifting I thought to myself, in this rythmic style, within the few moments I had to myself just before I fell asleep, how I just had not been sleeping well. I have not eaten regularly. I seem to be swamped with work that I really enjoy, but maybe only to pile the work so high as not to see the light of day. I cannot seem to wake up really, and I am incredibly exhausted all the time. I mean really tired, like far past due for a nap or three. I find my second or third wind , and continue only to get tired again. My shoulderd have been in knots, and I had to break down and ask a friend to work the tension out, which she did, only to have it come back later. I don't listen to my messages, I dont return phone calls. and all I can manage to respond to every question in that pitiful tone that emits "How are you doing with all this?" . All I can muster is, Im dealing, not well but Im dealing, which somehow losely translates through the filter between my brain and my mouth to, "Im fine". I feel like I have been so uncomfortable in every possible situation that when I laid my head on the most comfortable couch pillow tonight at my friend's house, I realized , I had forgotten what was comfortable. I have been so uncomfortable for so long, so out of place that I just shut down and tuned out and went through the motions
Till tonight, whenI found myself curled up, in a house i had never been to, with a few close friends and a few new ones, generally not a high anxiety situation for me, but not a home sweet home one either, My body has just collapsed, given into being on high alert, to shutting down all systems and keeping myself on edge for so long, that I just collapsed on this couch, and could not get up. My eyes fell closed and the blaring music tuned out the world. I was out. I had found, or was forced someplace comfortable. and just let go. And slept. even for a few or 15 minutes, I slept. I let go and dropped my guard, and I was OK. It was OK.
When discussing how exhausted I had been, but as one of my dear closest girlfriends put it,"Yeah Depression is a
bitch like that". Its blunt moments like that I really appreciate her.
And no, that wasn't scarcasm. And I do not have time for depression! Her kind advice was "you have to give yourself time to mourn."
She's so right like always, but I dont think I have the PDO's for that.
Anything, anything for a week, in a hotel, somewhere else, with a bottle of wine, a remote and my bathrobe. Maybe room service, because I am finding it hard to muster the energy to make myself food, much less take care of myself.
In other news, I attended the Hard Knox Rollergirls bout tonight and really enjoyed myself. I swelled with pride seeing my logo worn around on t shirts and throughout the print media. I even noticed someone painted it on the wall of the rink with a disco ball for the sunsphere! NICE. It was a nice break from the daily ritual of the shit I have been through.
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| Without going into great detail, Chuck and I have split for good. I was scared to let go and well I think this may have happened for a reason. Without airing the laundry, the final stand between us occured friday, while I was at work. I ended with me scared to go home and staying with a girlfriend, then deciding I would never be safe at home if he continued to live there. I changed the locks and devlivered his personal belongings that I could feasably cart , as well as his children's, to his parents home and left the note to never contact me again, and I would take care of everything else that is his and have that returned.
It really is sinking in that my best friend is truely gone. It wasnt my choice, because I didnt feel like i had one. I would never live this down. I would never forget it, and I never forgive it. And I knew, if I let him stay, it would only be worse the next time. I have come home to my empty house three nights now, baffled that it had to end this way. Why? I cannot touch his things. I cannot find the time to pack it and get it going. I have stayed so busy since , that there isnt time to deal with it. I have dome it on purpose I know, I havent really thought things through and let it sink in the magnitude of what has happened, and the devastation of never seeing someone I was so close to ever again. I can't even sit on the couch.....he slept there....Its like someone died. Im even having my couches cleaned this week so I can move them upstairs, and move his out of site. I have only lost one friend like this, and he really did die. I had to pack all of his belongings up as well. His parents were too shocked and hurt to do it. And his best friend, whom I was dating at the time, also felt "it was too much" . SO there I was, packing his things alone, packing his belongings in the house he died in. I was never the same after he died either.
It has sunk in tonight. I tried to stop it and keep busy, but I couldnt make my way to the couch, I thought about the process of other things i might HAVE to do to ensure my safety and my job security and inside I was talking myself out of it. And then the logical side of me knows, he has crossed every line I drew, and scribbled out the boundries I set forth, I have to make my security more permanant. I loved him so much and its heartbreaking to realize that the one person you really love can hurt you more than the love can heal.
Fearing losing your friend, goes had in hand with fearing to get close to anyone else. I dont imagine my walls will come down anytime soon to trust anyone else. I have many friends, and many who were there for me, and many that showed their true self when I needed them. Im so exhausted from all of this. Im releived that I will never have the tension and the heartache, But I am so sad that it just can't work out.
I'm hopeful that the qualities in me that I have developed that I hate will soon fade away, and someday I will return back to the kind, normal, fun person I used to be. I am working on not projecting or carrying over my anger onto other aspects of my life. Beleive me, it is harder than you think.
Women are like tea, It takes putting them in hot woter to see how strong they are.
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| Once again, my life is in a tailspin.
My allergies have been inexplicably out of control. Sneezing with no obvious irritants in site. The tip of my nose is driving me crazy with itching all the fucking time. I cant even keep makeup on the end of it, its off in 4 hours. Tired tired tired tired. I caved. I got an appt with an allergist and the result is.......I m allergic to life. I had some weird food allergies, milk of all things, and corn? yeah well they werent really bad enough to worry about. grass, pollen, trees, and goddamn dust! I had to buy a special pillowcase, take the allergy skin test (many little alergens, each in a drop of liquid, and skin is scratched to view the severity of reaction) which was not near as bad as I imagined, it was much more barbaric when I was a child. Treatment. Asthma inhaler therapy. nasal squirt stuff, and, you guessed it. Shots. For the next three year. I am totally dreading it, but I like to breathe so ya know, pick your priorities , right? I like to breathe...SO I begin in two weeks.
I gained 15 pounds, for one reason or 8, I got fuckin fat again and all since the rollergirls fundraiser. But now that I actually have a treatment plan for breathing better, I can safely attend the gym again. Ugh.
Emotionally I am a wreck. I cannot control my emotions or my reactions. Most of the time I dont understand why I feel the way I do and I stand in awe of the vast complexity that is layered up around my heart and my head. It takes a while to sort through my emotions when I cannot understand why things are bothering me. Suggestions only aggrivate me more.Im anxious and stressed all the time. I seem to only be able to identify what my feelings AREN'T or are not based upon. Like looking at a photographic negative. This could take a lot of work to undo the damage. I feel like i am standing in the wake of this horrible disaster, just in shock to how much damage there is. I have some things that are still keeping me afoat, at least by taking my mind off of things for a while. Some days I cannot control the downward spiral of my thoughts. Somedays I cant even breathe from feeling overwhelmed with so many things that are wrong right now, and I cant do a fucking thing to change it, and right now I just cant see a way out from under this beast. I made a drastic change in my life which alleviated a small part of a very large problem. Get me some gloves, this may take some time to get a grip back on my life.
My lock cylinder in my car also locked up. THe same thing happened to my moms car the night of the WLB debut and her car had to be towed from the ballroom to my house. Mechanical failure I am told but a few phone calls later and I was looking at 4-500 dollars in repair. A friend helped me locate some friends and some parts and viola, I didnt spend near that much......Being hard up for that much cash was a blessing. I had to figure out that problem myself, and fix it. I saved over 400 bucks. and no trip to a dealership. Apparently in "speak to me in circles because I have breasts" language, the phrase, "Ya gotta take it to a dealership and have the key coded" really means if you want the same key to work, you have to have a locksmith code or "fit" the lock to match your key. A huge complicated process of people trying to make mony off of me and not listening to me say "uh, no, there is no chip in my key, and I dont see how it needs to be coded." Common sense. And some big thanks to some good friends. One less thing to freak out and cry about.
My A\C is not working right in my house and since I am renting form my mother, she really has to take care of that. I freaked out about that too, because she is notoriously procrastinating things like that, till I am driven up the wall and the warranty is expired. I have a leak in my roof and a garbage disposal that doesn not work, all still needing repair from back in november of last year. ( I dont know shit about roofs and I am smart enoughto admit I know nothing about things that require elctricity, or I would fix those myself) And yesterday I called to make sure she did it, and she didnt, so reason to freak out #2 sets in. I am having problems breathing and dealing with household alergens, now add humidity in my house to that, and now I am freaking out, but she called and had them send the bill to her and at 3 today the A\C repair people should be there to fix it all. *phew*
I had Kitty cut all of my hair off. Its so amazing what something so simple can do for you. Its really short in the back and longer in the front, to my chin I guess. Very cute and frames my face well. I can find nothing wrong with my hair at all. Its quick to wash, and even thoughI have to fix it every morning or its hideous, it doesnt take long at all to fix. A simple blowdryer and round brush, and about 5 minutes and I am out the door. Even if I didnt want to do that, deliberately messy hair with some gel and cute barettes is too cool. How can you complain about that? My hair got so long and untrimmed it broke off, and was ragged, it became more of a chore to upkeep the damaged hair. my neck was hot, and the hair was so heavy there was no way to keep it up or out of my face.
Maybe thats the only thing I have gained control of. A fucking awesome haircut. Goddam it did wonders for me. One thing down 699 more things to go.
Just. Keep. Breathing.
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| Purgatory was the best time I have had in a long time. Never have we ever felt so well received and understood as we did there. Purgatory is now WLB family.
However I seemed to have aquired a small virus and I am very sickly, I came home and immediately took my temprature......100. Great. Sore throat, chest crap, and generally sweaty and poopy feeling. Yeah like i have time for this.
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| Well if you have caught "America's got Talent" at all, you have seen the circus freaks that have paraded through there, claiming their no talent asses deserve a million. But last week and last night, Miss Exotic World, Michelle L'Amour, made television history , performing her title winning Snow White routine last week, and a Knight Rider themed show last night. Miss Brandy (the judge from hell) hated the performance, and condescendingly called Michelle a stripper and attempted to vote her off. Michelle came back for more last night and wowed the crowd, showing up as a burlesquey mechanic and somehow incorprating the Kit Car into her show. Hasselhoff was astounded and Brandy, showing just how prude she is claiming Michelle should be across the street and it didnt take talent to do what she did. Michelle tossed her bra to Brandy at the end of her routine, and like the little fucking bitch she is, Brandy picked it up and said "This wouldnt fit me" and laughed. What a Goddam bitch! So the WLB all picked up their phones and fucking voted for Michelle l'amour. Its 50 cents per vote but 50 to turn the vote around on Brandy it 50 cents well spent......
SO go do it. Keep Burleque alive and jealous bitches like Brandy in their place.
Text "08" to "97979" sometime between 10pm ET/PT (9pm CST) and 12am ET/PT (11pm CST)
or
Call 1-866-U-LOVE-08 (1-866-856-8308)
What a hypocrite. Im sure Ill photoshop something awful using her picture....later
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